These are literally the awesomest people to ever exist in the Universe, ever. And while she’s obviously drunk as shit, the woman does make a point. Obama’s name sucks.

Rep. Charles Rangel, D-N.Y

Boy howdy I don’t know if it’s due to the change of seasons, or because the presidential race is getting down to the wire with no clear front-runner, or if it’s merely due to the astrozoological crapola my meth-head sister Tina goes on and on about like how Venus is in retrograde with my anus or whatever — but political discourse has been hotter than my GMC pick-up’s V-block as of late, like trash-talk on a sizzle-reel hyping the latest Wrestlepalooza pay-per-view.

For example just last Friday Charles Rangel – New York Democrat, chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, negro-person – made what some construed as a major gaffe when he referred to the Republican party’s candidate for Vice President of the World, Sarah Palin, as being “disabled.”

Surprisingly, many took offense to the congressman’s comment. Not because they felt that he was demeaning Crips by putting them and “Tits” Palin in the same wheelbarrow, but because they felt the congressman’s use of the term “disabled” carried some negative connotation.

That’s just dumb. Obviously Rep. Rangel meant it as a compliment. But we’ll get back to that.

It’s not like Congressman Rangel and controversy ain’t been playing slap n’ tickle on the same musky futon. As a matter of fact Rangel’s currently under investigation for ethics violations due to a little matter of some black back taxes he owes the IRS. I can hardly fault the Congressman for not paying taxes. I ain’t ever paid taxes — partly because selling dope’s a cash business, and frankly I ain’t comfortable declaring such income on my 1040EZ — but mostly because taxes are unconstitutional, and oh yeah fuck the government. If they want my dope money they can pry it out of my cold dead hands along with my gun, my absinthe, my Mexican knock-off Viagra and my Burmese cobra Eddie Jr. I ain’t the sort of American who takes Liberty for granted and it appears neither is Charles Rangel, so God bless him for that.

Still, being that he is chairman of the Ways and Means committee — and the only thing I’m “chairman” of is the La-Z-boy I stole off my stupid neighbor’s front lawn (fuck it, ain’t like Darren was using it) — I understand why the congressman felt the need to backpedal a bit by issuing the following statement:

“Governor Palin is an obviously healthy person who in no way fits the description of disabled. I meant to say then, and I am saying now, that she entered the campaign with a disadvantage in the area of foreign policy.”

He went on to clarify that his statement was not alluding to the fact that Governor Palin’s tainted DNA had already brought at least one drool-cup-wearing retard-baby into the world when he added:

“Any inference that my words were in any connected to her son, Trig, who was born with Down syndrome, is a real stretch — and, I would have to think — a way to make political points out of my poor choice of words.”

Jeesh, why don’t you just commandeer her limo, Morgan Freeman. Anyone with half a non-Down-Syndrome-afflicted brain could see that referring to Sarah Palin as “disabled” was anything but an insult. Quite the contrary.

See, by likening Palin to a waterhead, Rangel suggests that perhaps the Governor’s jaw-dropping ignorance is something beyond her own control. After all, an able-minded adult in the 21st century should be able to understand that merely being in close proximity to another country – even if you’ve never been to it or interacted with its leaders – does not make you an expert on foreign policy. For example, on a clear day I can see Mexico from my RV; doesn’t make me qualified to pick tomatoes, nor would I list “stealing hubcaps” amongst the skills on my resume. Likewise, an able-minded adult would be able recognize that some jobs – like oh, say, Leader of the First World – might be beyond the scope of their qualifications. However Palin takes no issue with the fact that her job experience barely qualifies her to manage a self-serve car wash, never mind Vice Prez or heaven forbid, El Presidente. And yeah, I realize she’s governor of Alaska. That might seem like a big deal if you’ve never been to Alaska. But if you have then you realize that Alaska — literally and figuratively the armpit of America — is little more than a trailer park with polar bears. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a big, beautiful place full of wondrous creatures and delightful indigenous tribesmen who make sport of clubbing baby seals. But as soon as you hear one of the locals slacken their jaws you’ll be wondering what the Inuit word is for “Deliverance.” There are only two reasons for a non-Eskimo to live in Alaska: 1) Because they’re wanted for a felony in the lower 48 or 2) because they’re a lonely, attention-deprived female who’s perversely attracted to fugitive felons. Guess which category Sarah Palin fits in?

One could also infer from the congressman’s comments that Sarah Palin, despite her lack of qualifications and properly firing synapses, might rise to the occasion and work her elliptical-machine-sculpted-honeybuns off once the Vice Presidential sash and tiara are placed upon her person. As anyone who’s ever been to a Burger King can tell you, NO ONE works harder or takes greater pride in their job than the gimptards the fast foodery hires for the federal tax breaks. As a matter of fact when I go to a Burger King and there’s a zitty teenager working register A, a Mexican on register B, and a perma-smiling handi-capable gunning register C – which line do you think I’m getting in? At least the retard has a 75% chance of getting my order right. Mentally disabled folks work hard and do the best damn job they can, but when they make mistakes as they sometimes do (they are retarded after all), they at least have the humility and common decency to admit it, and apologize for it.

But humility and common decency are apparently outmoded concepts to the Republican Party circa 2008, along with “freedom,” “balanced budgets” and “survival of the human species.” And don’t ever expect an apology out of those assholes. You’ll sooner be seeing speed-limit signs in metric than you’ll be seeing George W. Bush step up to the podium like a MAN and apologize for killing our babies in an oil-profiteering war, or ruining our economy while his Yale limp-biscuited circle jerk buddies are raking in “now I can buy my way out of anything” money. And George W’s about as close as one can get to an actual retard without actually being one. But I guess as it goes with horseshoes and hand grenades, so it goes with retards.

And if Palin herself had any humility, common decency, or a fraction of an actual retard person’s work ethic, you’d think she’d have at least prepared herself for the VP candidate role by boning up on her party’s policies (apparently she was too busy “boning up” her hubby’s ex business partner). Ain’t like preparedness is absent from Palin’s skillset. After all, preparedness is what inspired the Luv-Guv to drag out her “horny librarian” Halloween costume two months early (I guess Spencer Gifts was already sold out of their “sexy nurse” and “slutty police woman” costumes).

But it’s obvious Palin’s bid for vice presidency has nothing to do with civic duty — or for serving the people of the nation she supposedly (as she’s wont to tell you over and over and over and over) loves just a little bit more than Jesus — or even guaranteeing a better life for the Jolie-sized stable of libido-enhanced whelps she and her Skidoo-racing, sex-offender-looking husband have been half-assedly rearing up in yonder Alaskan wilds. However it does seem to have everything to do with ego, glory and personal aggrandizement. This is Palin’s American Idol, and damned if she’s gonna let a tin-ear and half-octave range get in the way of her going all the way. Fuck it; she’ll just blow Randy Jackson.

If ONLY the Republicans had put a boner-fide mongoloid on their ticket. I might actually be able to sleep at night.